By RICHARD JOHNSON
People send me things via e-mail. You probably get them, too; chain e-mails with cute pictures, funny stories, calls to political action — and requests for help from Nigerian widows whose husbands left millions in a foreign bank account.
I need a time out this week — so instead of writing about serious matters, I thought I'd pull out a couple of favorites from the Johnson Archives. Enjoy.
The first one is called “Dear John ... or Punctuation Matters.” I will present it twice. Both times, the words will be the same. Only the punctuation ... and the meaning will change:
Version One ... Dear John,
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy. Will you let me be yours? Gloria.
Version Two ... Dear John,
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men I yearn. For you I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart I can be forever happy. Will you let me be? Yours, Gloria.
As I said, punctuation matters.
Here's another entry from the ongoing war between the sexes; it's called “Man Law:”
• Men are NOT mind readers.
• Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
• Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
• Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
• Crying is blackmail.
• Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
• Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
• Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
• A headache that lasts for seventeen months is a problem. See a doctor.
• Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after seven days.
• If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
• If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. Please.
• If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of them makes you sad or angry, then we meant the other one.
• You can either ask us to do something, or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
• Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
• Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions, and neither do we.
• ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
• If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
• If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle; besides we know you will bring it up again later.
• If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
• When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...really.
• Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
• You have enough clothes ... you have too many shoes.
• I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
• Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Have a great Sunday ... see you next week!
