>>SOUTHERN INDIANA — “Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.”

—Woody Allen



Kim and I have been married for almost a quarter of a century. I would venture to say that any two people who live together that long have to be loving, tolerant, patient and must have a special ability to regularly block out that other person.

It’s a little ability I like to call the “Uh-huh” response.

Now the Uh-huh is a form of verbal yet subconscious response to general conversation whereby for the most part one of the spouses needs to communicate while the other is only inactively involved. Often as I am watching sports or a comedy on television she will be sitting on the couch mere feet away just talking up a storm and occasionally there is a silent gap between the phrases and I will respond, “Uh-huh.” Sometimes, I will even look directly into her face, yet mostly I don’t even wince yet perfectly time the “uh-huh” between the parenthetical conversational breaks.

I want to warn younger guys that this is not acceptable verbal intercourse for the first few years. As a matter of fact I would probably plan about a five-year prep period before you slip in the passive response reflex. In the beginning, women really need to feel a sincere interaction during every single conversation that takes place regardless of it being in the bedroom, kitchen or television viewing room. While a merely unemotional response might be simply convenient pleasantry early on in relationships such disinterest can be interpreted in multiple incorrect ways — almost none of them will be good for you.

One of my advice tips for younger men with considerably less than 25 years of experience living with a female — women are much more complicated than men.

Men are fairly simple. We really don’t need, want or ask for much relative to women as far as emotional needs. We don’t analyze things to any great extent. We can precisely and distinctly separate the physical from the emotional.

We are very literal, almost childlike in that sense. If someone says something to us in plain English, we only perceive one meaning and our brains are not sophisticated enough to dissect its intent and try to decipher any such thing as a hidden meaning.

A female brain is much more complex. This is first and foremost what you need to know early on — their mental functions and emotions are connected. I mean a direct connection. Thinking and feeling are like one and the same with women.

It’s really one of the most scientifically amazing things I have ever witnessed in the natural world. Much like our synapses have no ability to connect words and emotions, they come prewired that way.

In defense of women on this topic, I must relay that for them to accept us and the inherent differences between males and females, it takes them years to accept that we are not intentionally uncaring, indifferent, insensitive and apathetic to their needs. We are simply different.

Most women eventually understand it takes many years to properly train a husband and with our simple brains the most effective way is simply by trial-and-error with some of that Pavlovian dog theory methodology. It’s much easier to train house pets and jungle animals.

I really can’t even imagine how much patience the average woman needs to have a fully house-trained husband. Even after that, we can occasionally revert back to our instinctive behavior and need some remedial training and light punishment.

I would be remiss if I didn’t try to encourage young men to not let me in any way discourage you from seeking a life of domestic tranquility. We need them more than they will ever need us. They tolerate us and for the most part I think it’s the challenge that entices them to even make the effort. We, on the other hand, are virtually worthless without them.

You will eventually understand what they expect from you. You will break much like a wild mustang. Sure, most men resist and many even lose that first woman due to the ignorance and totally false sense that we can live on our own and do things our way. What a miserable existence that would be for a man. After a few years of marriage you realize you could never safely exist alone in the wild again.

Once you have that life together where you can spend quality time alone in front of a television having singular conversations that require only the reassuring, “Uh-huh”, you will know you have reached that simple state of contentment that every man for too many years runs from yet unknowingly desires.

As for her, she will eventually lose her frustration with your simple nature and reassure herself that you are finally broken and completely house-trained. I think she just called me from the other room, “Uh-huh!” Now, where was I?

— Lindon Dodd is an Otisco resident who is a freelance writer and can be reached at lindon.dodd@hotmail.com