Are you fed up with words you don’t understand? Tired of picking up the newspaper to read your favorite contrarian columnist, then coming to a screeching halt when he uses “troglodyte” and “disgruntlement” in the same sentence?

Hi, Roger Baylor here with an amazing new product — you’ve got to see it to believe it - called the Dictionary, and it’s a do-it-yourself confusion remover with professional results — guaranteed!

Just pick the word you want to define, match it to the alphabetical listing in the Dictionary, and read the answer. It’s that easy. And, because it’s wireless, there are no plugs, cords, batteries, tools or wiring to worry about.

With the amazing Dictionary, you can even learn how to pronounce the word!

The Dictionary contains all the words that you’ll ever encounter in this or any other column, and yet it’s small enough to put one in every room where you might find yourself reading the newspaper. Place one next to the toilet so you don’t have to go back downstairs to the den. Keep another on the porch for smoke breaks. The amazing dictionary fits in the glove box, in your purse or on top of the coffee table.

The Dictionary’s powerful information technology lets you define old words and learn new ones. It cuts through those multi-syllable, compound nightmares with ease, and talk about shock-absorbency — I’m going to shield my head with the Dictionary while my assistant attempts to beat my brain senseless with a 900-word newspaper column. See? Even after continuous pounding, my synapses are still transmitting neuron signals.

That’s the power and protection of the Dictionary, folks.

Call now and you’ll get the Dictionary for only $19.99. You’ll also receive my handy Sticky Notepad and Self-Sharpening Pencil, absolutely free. Just copy the problem word from my column and stick it to the Dictionary until you feel like looking it up.

Yes, you’ll get the Dictionary, the Sticky Notepad and the Self-Sharpening Pencil, all for only $19.99. But if you call right now, I’ll double this entire offer. Just pay shipping, and you’ll get two Dictionaries, two Sticky Notepads and two Pencils. But you can only get this special two-for-one offer by calling now …

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In his State of the Union address, President Barack Obama returned to a theme he often explored during his campaign for the White House.

“The best anti-poverty program around is a world class education.”

Naturally, the precise components of a “world class education” are open to interpretation, discussion and debate between open-minded citizens, assuming you can find any of them in these idiotically polarized times, but the overall sentiment that education is a corrective to impoverishment has been proven to be truthful again and again.

Apart from my personal belief that a genuinely world class education is one stripped of as much theological and creationist hokum as possible, whether Christian, Muslim or Zoroastrian, and should come equipped with provisions designed to enhance appreciation of creativity, art and cultural pursuits, I’m less concerned with negotiable details than one’s attitude toward the general topic of knowledge, its veracity, and the marketable skills to be gained from expansive education as opposed to confining, crippling illiteracy.

In short, given the linkage between education and economic advancement, why is it that people choose to attack the notion of education rather than to seek it?

Recently in this space, State Rep. Ed Clere shared results from a survey of his constituents.

“What should the General Assembly’s top priority be?

“The response to this question reflects concern over the economy. There were five response options. Job creation, retention and training programs is the top concern for 51 percent of respondents, followed by 27 percent who favor expanded tax relief as their top priority. Sixteen percent rank K-12 education first. Higher education and welfare programs for family and child services each receive 3 percent support as a top priority.”

How can we have one without the other? Just over half the respondents sensibly view economic advancement in the form of jobs as a governmental priority, but only 19 percent see value in providing the education required to fill those jobs. While this result may be a statistical anomaly given the size of the sample, and ignoring the somewhat ideologically motivated phrasing of the survey questions, it still strikes me as significant.

And yet, how many of the poll respondents regularly read the sports page — that heavenly and simplistic refuge from the dastardly dictates of the classroom — and are able to spout points-per-game averages of players attending purported institutions of learning where games supposedly serve as periodic distractions from the primary realm of study, and not the other way around?

OK, OK … a nation transfixed by meaningless athletics is a whole other topic (file under: “bread and circuses”) for another time.

At this moment, looking at the recommended textbook entitled, “Open Air Museum: Rules for New Albanian Living,” specifically in Chapter 7, subsection A1, we see our indigenous reworking of the old Chinese proverb - yes, you guessed it, one printed on plasticized card stock suitable for framing, and available not from the heirs to Billy Mays, but from Wal-Mart via Guangdong Province:

“Give us more fish, but don’t you dare teach us how to fish.”

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What would happen if you combined classic sacred choral music with a thesaurus? You’d have synonym for a seminal hymnal! Hi, Roger Baylor here for the Sing ‘o’ Saurus. It’s no ordinary reference book. Watch this!

Roger would really like to get his hands on the patent for one of those Dictionary thingies, because he uses it while writing at New Albany's top-rated blog, NA Confidential: www.cityofnewalbany.blogspot.com