NEW ALBANY — During a recent conversation with one of the men I mentor, he happened to mention that he was “addicted to chaos.” I remember thinking what an apt description that was of the lives of many of the men I work with, as they make the transition from incarceration to free society.

I remember chaos. Many of the days back in the 1970s when I drank, drugged and lived the musician's lifestyle to the fullest were chaotic. At the time, I preferred to call my lifestyle “bohemian.” Truth be told, it was self-centered, self-destructive, irresponsible … and chaotic.

One particular lost weekend stands out in my memory … even though the details are fuzzy at best. I vaguely recall starting the weekend in Newport, R.I. somewhere around Thursday with a case of beer, the usual drugs and a couple of companions. When I came to on Monday afternoon, I was lying on a couch in someone's living room in New London, Conn. I didn't know who my host was, nor could I remember how I managed to end up in another state, but since my car was parked outside, I must have driven there. Driving under the influence was normal back then … unlike “those other people,” I could handle it.

Right.

I was sure I'd had a lot of fun; I just couldn't remember any of it. My companions were nowhere to be found. At least five days wearing the same clothes and no shower may have had something to do with my friends abandoning me; they didn't make a deodorant strong enough to cope with a lost weekend's aftermath in those days. I made my way back to Newport nursing that “hair of the dog” feeling that many old drunks will be familiar with.

Some of you may remember a great jazz pianist, composer and singer named Mose Allison. The weekend before this lost weekend, I had been his opening act at a Newport nightclub, “The Salt.” One of his greatest songs, and one of my favorites, was a tune called “Your Mind is on Vacation, and Your Mouth is Working Overtime.” According to legend, Mose wrote it while performing at a club where a woman seated at one of the front tables was having a loud conversation. Every talented and experienced performer knows how to handle hecklers and quiet a noisy audience member, but in this woman's case, subtle hints to shut up hadn't worked … so Mose, seated on his piano bench only a few feet away, leaned into her face and sang her a song that he made up on the spot. Genius. And she did finally have the grace to fall silent.

I was awed by Mose Allison's talent, and the opportunity to open for him for several nights … but what surprised me most when I met him was that he did not drink alcohol or use drugs. He may have been the only musician or performer I met in those days who didn't use; or maybe I was just too stoned to notice. At any rate, since I didn't hang out with people who didn't indulge, I didn't hang out with Mose; I hung out with his bass player instead. It didn't occur to me until years later that given my choice of lifestyle, Mose Allison probably didn't want to hang out with me. Another opportunity to learn from a master lost, thanks to addiction.

God delivered me from drugs and alcohol more than 30 years ago; it took a little longer to leave the chaotic lifestyle behind.

As you get lost in the world of substance abuse, chaos ceases to be unusual and becomes normal to you. For many of the men and women in and out of our prisons and jails, chaos is normal. Middle class values are foreign to them. Many grew up in chaos … without fathers, and with mothers dependent on welfare and the proceeds from drug dealing. Mom belonged to the “boyfriend of the month club,” which meant that her children were accustomed to finding male strangers in her bed. At some point, this stops being a surprise, and becomes normal. Having many short-term “uncles” damages children; but having just one spiritually mature, emotionally stable father for the long term can change everything for the better.

The chaotic lifestyle is a downward spiral; the drugs and booze make it worse. Few escape it. In my experience, getting off the drugs and alcohol is the easy part. The hard part is transitioning from a chaotic to a sane lifestyle. It is especially difficult when the person you are trying to help believes that the substances they were addicted to were the problem, and now that they are clean, the problem is solved.

The result of this thinking is that they remain in the chaotic life, continue to hang out with the same people and sooner or later pick up the substance abuse right where they left off, except they have moved a little further down the road toward death and destruction.

John F. Kennedy once said, “We go to the moon not because it is easy, but because it is hard.” Sometimes, getting free, truly free, of a chaotic lifestyle is like going to the moon. It's not easy. It's hard. But we can get there.

After all, we got to the moon … didn't we?



Johnson is executive director of Christian Formation Ministries. His organization has numerous volunteer opportunities available. For information, e-mail richard@christian-formation.org, or call 812-945-0886.