STAWAR: Why don't they just leave?

It’s hard to understand the mind of domestic violence victims

By TERRY STAWAR

Many people cannot understand why women often stay in abusive relationships. “Why don’t they just leave?” many people ask. Embedded in this question is the hidden assumption that women are somehow to blame for the violence. It is as if they make it happen by not leaving their homes and children. Lost in this subtle victim blaming is the fact that the ones responsible for the violence are the perpetrators.

Physical abuse or battering, is the deliberate inflicting of pain or injury to a domestic partner. Usually there is a long-term pattern of mistreatment but one severe incident alone can constitute abuse.

Over one million incidents of domestic violence are reported to law enforcement annually in the United States. It is often difficult to get accurate figures, because most incidents go unreported. Victims, overwhelmingly women, are often unable or unwilling to talk, so the true number is estimated be closer to three million.

Large-scale studies suggest that 20 to 25 percent of adult women have been physically abused by a domestic partner. Fifty percent of all homeless women and children in this country are fleeing domestic violence. Such violence is the leading cause of injury to women between the ages of 15 and 44 in the United States — more than car accidents, muggings, and rapes combined.

In 2001, emergency shelters in Indiana served 3,713 victims of domestic violence and 32,441 calls were made to Indiana domestic violence crisis lines. That same year there were 41 deaths due to domestic violence in Indiana. The Center for Women and Families, which serves Clark and Floyd counties, provides services to more than 6,500 Indiana women and families annually. About 165 women in Southern Indiana are reported to receive emergency shelter services.

In the past it was thought that women who stayed in abusive relationships suffered from psychological disorders, such as masochistic or dependent personality disorder. Pathologizing abuse was another way of blaming the victim. In fact most recent studies suggest it is the severe emotional dependency of the perpetrator that seems to be the key dynamic in abuse. Their fear of abandonment leads to escalating violence in attempts to control and intimidate their partners and keep them from leaving.

Current evidence suggests that most battered women do try to leave the abusive situation. However, the process of escape is one of small steps forward and frequent setbacks. Women who successfully escaped often have the support of friends, family, the legal system, and other professional assistance. Those who stay do so for a variety of reasons. Some of these include:

1. Realistic fears of retaliation and physical harm. Statistics show that women who leave their batterers are at a 75 percent greater risk of being killed by the batterer than those who stay.

2. Fears regarding children. Many women are afraid of not being able to take care of their children alone. Abusers prey upon the fear women have of losing their children. They often threaten that they will take the children. It is also not unknown for abusers to retaliate by actually harming children.

3. Many women originally entered their relationships because of strong feelings of affection for the abuser. This emotion does not simply disappear in abusive relationships. Many women want the violence to end, but do not necessarily want to end the relationship. The situation becomes more difficult when abusers make promises that they will reform. Many women come to believe that they can somehow rescue or save their errant partners. Also many perpetrators threaten to commit suicide as a manipulation to keep their partners from leaving and some actually do kill themselves in a vindictive act of self-destruction.

4. Some women, especially those with low self-esteem from constant criticism and verbal abuse, may come to believe that they actually deserve the abuse they are receiving. Constant abuse can also lead to depression which also prevents some women from having adequate energy and motivation..

5. Cultural and religious factors may be a major factor for some women. Many women are still taught to be passive and dependent upon men and to accept full responsibility for the success or failure of relationships. Often religious beliefs may reinforce the importance of commitment to marriage, even an abusive one. There is also the social stigma related to admitting abuse and having your children grow up in a “broken home”. If a woman grew up in such circumstances she may have promised herself that she would not allow this to happen to her children. Women who leave may be ostracized by family, friends, and their community.

6. Also the economic reality for women, particularly those with children and those who have not worked outside the home, is especially bleak. The lack of financial support can easily lead to homelessness and can place the children in tremendous jeopardy.

Recent changes in federal welfare legislation fixing time limits on benefits may lead some women to develop dangerous dependencies on abusive men, as an alternative to object poverty and homelessness. This is in direct opposition to the support these women often need to successfully escape.

Finally as we try to understand the complex motives of women who stay in abusive relationships, it is important to recognize that the conscious intent of abusers is to exercise complete control over their partners. Factors such as witnessing abuse as a child, job pressures, substance abuse, and feelings of anxiety or depression may all be contributing factors, but they are not the cause of domestic violence. Let’s not blame the victims but realize that abusers intentionally use violence and intimidation to coerce submissiveness from their partners. These actions are nothing less than criminal and should be treated as such.

Terry L. Stawar, Ed.D., lives in Georgetown and is the CEO of LifeSpring in Jeffersonville. He can be reached at tstawar@lifespr.com or 812-206-1234

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