STAWAR: Man's worst friend

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December 23, 2008

By TERRY STAWAR The News and Tribune Tue Dec 23, 2008, 12:50 PM EST

I recently read with admiration about the local animal shelters and all the wonderful volunteers who work there. The animals are all so appealing. I wish I could feel as positive about our own dog, but I just finished burying the wire for the containment fence for the fourth time. Neuman, a four-year-old golden retriever, is like one of those raptors in Jurassic Park, constantly testing the boundaries to see if the power grid is down. We put up the system after a insanely dangerous night of chasing this dog down the middle of Highway 62. When the wire breaks Neuman thinks it is party time.

I think we must have the worst dog in the world, despite a lot of effort to make a careful choice. I did some research before we picked Neuman, trying to identify the best breed for us. I was looking for a dog who was friendly, compliant, and didn’t bark very much. A golden retriever seemed to fit the bill. Still a handsome dog, Neuman was an adorable puppy when we bought him, but he soon displayed an unspeakable bad habit, which I cannot even describe in this column. Suffice it to say you would never want him licking your face.

As time went on Neuman grew to over 100 pounds, but somehow he never learned that he was not the alpha dog in our inter-species pack. He is a constant barker, aggressive, and totally unreliable. He is also playful in a somewhat unpleasant and teasing way. He would be happy to nuzzle any burglar that came along or better yet he would try to get the burglar to chase him. A while back we had a carpenter working at our house. Neuman loved to try to bowl him over to get his attention. Once the man dropped his carpenter’s pencil and Neuman immediately grabbed it and ran off. The man finally ran Neuman down and just as he was about to retrieve his pencil, Neuman chomped down and broke it in half. We were appalled.

I know what you’re thinking—-“ownership problem”. “Ownership problem” is code in the dog world language for a crummy master. But I deny this categorically. Contrary to popular belief, I think there are just some bad dogs. And I say this with all my authority as a fake dog expert.

You see a few years ago I wrote several articles for Dog World Magazine. Although I know absolutely nothing about dogs, I summarized some research and wrote a series of articles including: Why Dogs Bark, Why Dogs Dig Holes, Dogs with Phobias, Aggression and Dogs, Calling Dr. Dog, and perhaps most embarrassing of all— Does Your Dog Have ESP? I even got nominated for an award by the Dog Writers Association for my two-part article on Surviving the Loss of Your Dog and Do Dogs Have Souls? Ironically I started getting calls from people from all over the country asking my sage advice on how to handle their dogs. These calls seemed to irritate my wife Diane, who said I should level with those people and tell them that I didn’t really know anything about dogs. She even mentioned my bogus career as a dog expert to our veterinarian, who said quite accurately that I was like the Milli Vanilli of dog authorities.

All of my academic dog knowledge certainly has not helped us reform Neuman. We also had some unfortunate experiences with previous dogs. One insisted on digging holes in our plasterboard walls at a time when we were trying to sell our house. Thinking, back it must have been a dietary deficiency or he just really didn’t want us to sell that house. The dog we had before Neuman was a Carin Terrier, Tipper. She was the same breed as Toto from the Wizard of Oz. Although extremely cute, Carins maybe the most stubborn of all dogs. Tipper developed this high-pitched squeal that went through your head like a hot ice pick. She used this sound as a weapon whenever anything displeased her— which was just about always. Even Dorothy would’ve happily handed Tipper over to the Wicked Witch.

With the containment system working again, things are back to normal. Neuman has relearned where the boundaries are and is staying in the yard. Right now he is laying down and barking at some leaf or twig falling in the distance. He is just waiting for me to call him in for the night so he can refuse to come and make me chase him. Yeah, things are back to normal.

Terry L. Stawar, Ed.D. lives in Georgetown and is the CEO of LifeSpring in Jeffersonville. He can be reached at tstawar@lifespr.com or 812-206-1234

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