By LESLEA HARMON
Jan. 11 marked the 16th anniversary of the 1992 murder of New Albany’s Shanda Sharer. Without a doubt, the grisly details of this event rocked our community and continue to horrify the world at large. The crime was so horrific, it’s hard for me, as a mother, to think about it for great lengths of time. I can only get so far into the details before heartbreak, anger and disgust overtake me. No child should ever be subjected to such brutality, and no human being to such a death.
In my last column, I wrote about child abuse and how so many adults today are the walking wounded, working hard to overcome their pasts. What about the teenagers who also are dealing with abuse? The kind of bullying that comes from teenage girls doesn’t always blossom into horrific violence, but all too often, it does result in emotional abuse — abuse that our kids are usually unequipped to deal with. What’s a mom to do?
Kids need to know that teasing, shunning, exclusion and mean-spirited behavior isn’t their fault. It’s not done to them because they aren’t well-dressed, aren’t pretty enough, have a food allergy, are too smart or any other “defect” they might possess. We are all different, and we’re meant to be different. Does your child have a hero? Point out what makes that person different — even heroes have had challenges that have uncovered hidden strengths.
Often, the instigator of garden variety clique behavior is not receiving nurturing and thoughtful guidance at home. They learn how to manipulate others in an attempt to find satisfaction. Is this behavior criminal? Sometimes. In the case of the young women who participated in Sharer’s murder, it certainly was. On a lesser but still vicious scale, YouTube and Myspace have become stages where bullies find a place to show off how they can hurt and control others — whether through cyber-bullying or the posting of videos of their crimes and harassment.
Cliquey behavior is all about power, and the members of cliques fall into several identifiable roles:
The ring leader, or “Queen Bee,” is the one with all the power. Usually charismatic and good-looking, this one will charm his or her followers into turning on one another through any means necessary. If your kid is the ring leader, you probably won’t even realize it.
Unfortunately, some teachers fall into the category of Queen Bee, humiliating students in lieu of healthy classroom discipline. According to the Health Resources and Services Administration, 40 percent of teachers admit to having bullied a student. I once knew of a Queen Bee principal who so abused a child with peanut allergy that the student’s mother spearheaded legislation making it illegal in her state for schools to expose children to life-threatening foods. Shouldn’t that have been common sense, in the first place? Not to a bully.
If your child is best friends with the ring leader, he may feel like Robin to someone else’s Batman, but the truth is that “sidekicks” are hopelessly insecure and desperate to be liked. They give over much of their autonomy in order to gain status from the ring leader. Encourage your child to develop his own interests and acknowledge his individual accomplishments.
Beware the clique’s confidante, as well. She may not come across as overtly mean, but she does her share of damage. Luring others into confiding in her, she acts as though she’s looking out for your best interests. But soon your confidences are twisted and information turns to rumors and gossip, while the confidante shrugs her shoulders and proclaims she had no idea how any of it got out.
Teenagers should almost certainly be able to pick out who is who among the above descriptions, but if your young child is showing signs of being bullied, he might not yet have the vocabulary to express it. Be on the lookout for unusual wear and tear on your child’s clothes or belongings, mysterious bruises or abrasions, fear of going to school or riding the bus, dread at interacting with peers, frequent sadness, moodiness, depression or tears after school. Low self-esteem isn’t something we want to see in our children. We’ve got to get over our denial and wishful thinking, though, if we’re really going to help.
Not all school staff members have been trained to intervene in situations of bullying and clique power struggles. The long-term effects of emotional violence, however, are extremely painful. Let’s face it — turning a blind eye to this behavior can be outright deadly.
To learn more about recognizing, intervening in and training programs for the prevention of bullying, visit http://stopbullyingnow.hrsa. gov. If you find something there that your child’s teacher or principal needs to learn, print it out and bring it to their attention. If that doesn’t help, take it to the school board. If you need support, ask your friends to come with you, whether or not they have children in school. Bullying affects our entire community. When it comes to bullying and clique behavior, if you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem.
Leslea M. Harmon is a freelance writer, wife and mother of three sons. Contact her through her Web site at lmharmon.com, or via email at Leslea.Harmon@gmail.com
