CUMMINS: Before pursuing happiness do the research

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November 14, 2009

By TERRY CUMMINS The News and Tribune Sat Nov 14, 2009, 08:23 PM EST

Research is important to us, and that’s why you see so many people with clipboards wandering around the neighborhood. Research means “re-searching” something, most anything, whether it be the brain, mousetraps or whatever it takes to make us happy. When you see people acting strange like the scientist, who had a thing for sheep do not disturb them. We should encourage observation and experimentation. Take the flu, without dedicating their lives to white mice medical scientists wouldn’t have a clue.

A man sat on his front porch bending wire every day. His family became concerned, but he persisted in this tedious experimentation. As a result, we can now better organize segments of our lives by paper clipping it together. Without sheep research, society would not have reaped a great benefit. After extensive observation, the sheep kook suddenly put two and two together when observing how cockleburs stick to sheep’s wool. You guessed it; Velcro has replaced buttons and shoelaces.

Research and development in communication technology has changed our lives so much there is little need for direct physical contact with other human beings. With Web cams, Twitter and many other forms of communication, why risk face-to-face conflict with other human beings? If living in isolation, there’s never a dispute over who’s going to do the dishes. One problem, though, is the matter of procreation. Researchers could possibly develop some sort of an artificial insemination package and send it through the mail.

Scientific research with mice, sheep and sharks is one thing, but understanding human behavior is another. For instance, if you’re curious about the relationship between sexuality and spirituality, there’s been a recent study. The findings reveal that young women, who consider themselves spiritual, have many more sexual partners than those whose lives are empty. These facts are important because young women can now be encouraged to postpone a spiritual life until after running the risk of becoming an unwed mother.

America is different from other countries, because we have an unalienable right to pursue happiness. What if you couldn’t pursue happiness like in Pakistan or in Alaska where Sarah Palin became so unhappy she resigned her governorship. One sure-fire way of attaining happiness is to write a book and make millions.

It’s not hard to pursue happiness, but tough to attain it, and that’s where research and development is helpful. We strive to live our lives in rose gardens, under fluffy clouds and in bright sunshine glancing off our wide smiley faces, revealing pure-white straight teeth. If an imperfect mouth is causing you consternation, then go have your face re-constructed. Plastic research has been a Godsend.

The big question now is will government pay for a tummy tuck? We should be grateful government cares. They want us to be happy, but without healthcare insurance, who takes out your defective gall bladder? This brings up another critical issue, can America find happiness without a “public option?”

Democrats support a government plan whereby the 40 million Americans without healthcare insurance would be covered under an optional government-run program. Republicans argue that a public option would reduce our healthcare system down to a level with that in Poland and the Swat Valley. Washington is such an unhappy place.

Oh, how I wish all Americans, including Rush Limbaugh, could find happiness. Rush is about as sad with our country as were the Indians when we forced them to walk to Oklahoma. I heard part of his show the other day (that’s what it is, a show that pays him $65 million), and it was heart wrenching. A trucker called in explaining how he works his seat off delivering goods from China to Wal-Marts all across our sick-fruited plains. Without China stocking the shelves at Wal-Mart and buying our treasury notes, America would be a sad place indeed. The trucker said when driving along, thinking about the public option passing, “tears come to my eyes.” Rush tried consoling him, telling him to hang in there until the election next November when Republican values will again overwhelm us.

There is a critical need for more research on how to attain happiness. OK, the framers didn’t say our constitution guaranteed happiness, but that we are free to pursue it. But it’s even tough pursuing it when Congress is making us so miserable.

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