STAWAR: Courage at any age

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December 3, 2009

By TERRY STAWAR The News and Tribune Thu Dec 03, 2009, 06:58 PM EST

Very recently, I heard a woman, in her 90s, reveal a secret that had been kept for 80 years. It was a story about a terrible crime that took place eight decades ago in an isolated rural region of the Midwest. As a young farm girl of 14 years of age, she was repeatedly raped and sexually abused by her three older brothers. With a harsh, unapproachable father and no mother to protect her, the girl was at the total mercy of these three grown men. One of the brothers, the worse of the abusers, would rape the girl and then give her a nickel, as if that were compensation enough for the damage inflicted. Five cents seems such an insulting price for someone's soul and a lifetime of pain and shame.

The survivor of these attacks was so injured by this betrayal and ashamed of what happened, that she held this dreadful secret all this time, telling no one. Over time she buried these events deep down and made a life for herself in spite of the trauma. Somehow she managed to not let bitterness, distrust, or anger completely destroy her life.

However, now in her 90s facing her own mortality, this woman had the courage to throw aside her victimhood and tell her story. The three perpetrators went on to work, marry, raise children, and blend into our society disguised as solid God-fearing, church-going citizens. Amazingly their families still remember some of them as kind and gentle — good men and fathers. No one was ever arrested or even accused of a crime. No one ever went to jail. Over the years, there never was any acknowledgment, apology, or slightest attempt at redress for these despicable acts. Justice was completely denied.

Working in the field of mental health for over 35 years, it has become clearer and clearer to me that the extent and harmful impact of sexual violence against women and girls is more than any one could possibly imagine. We simply do not want to believe it.

Back at the turn of the century the founder of psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud, used his new techniques and uncovered so much sexual abuse at the root of mental illnesses, that he eventually just stopped believing it. He even altered his theories to be more consistent with the general societal denial of the problem.

I have become totally convinced that America's biggest social problem is not poverty, crime or unemployment. It is sexual violence against women and girls.

Statistics, which I believe are usually underestimations, reveal that at least 25 percent of all girls are sexually abused before the age of 18. Over 30-40 percent of victims are abused by family members and the median age for sexual abuse is only 9 years of age. Most survivors do not tell, even if asked, and over 30 percent never disclose the experience to anyone.

Unfortunately a few high profile, but non-representative cases, have lead some people to believe that many reports of sexual abuse are fabrications. Data, however does not support this and shows that false reports constitute less than 1-4 percent of all reported cases. Overwhelmingly false sexual abuse reports are made by adults, not children. (For references visit http://tiny.cc/JN3Pm).

The damage that sexual abuse can do to an individual is manifold. It leads to a loss of trust, lowered self-esteem, shame, guilt and depression. Such sexual abuse is associated with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Substance Abuse disorders, teen pregnancies, and a wide range of other psychological and physical health problems.

My wife Diane, who has worked with many sexual abuse survivors, tells me that that facing the memories of abuse is a challenging task that takes an amazing amount of courage. Regaining a sense of control over your life is an essential part of healing. Sometimes professional assistance and support from others who have had similar experiences can be very helpful. I believe that we have a duty, not only to protect children from sexual abuse, but also to support the recovery efforts of survivors of this ultimate betrayal, in anyway we can.

I hope this brave woman can serve as an example for many other women in similar circumstances. Most importantly I think the lesson to be learned from this particular survivor, is that courage knows no age limits, and that it is never too late to begin the process of recovery.

Terry L. Stawar, Ed.D., lives in Georgetown and is the CEO of LifeSpring the local community mental health center in Jeffersonville. He can be reached at tstawar@lifespr.com or 812-206-1234. Checkout his Welcome to Planet-Terry blog and podcast at http://planetterry.wordpress.com.

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