By TERRY CUMMINS
The deficit and national debt is critical and must be reduced. Mention raising taxes and citizens go nuts, so that’s out. Curtail spending, but where? Not in my backyard. Since dogs don’t have constitutional rights, except freedom to bark, and are not legal citizens, why isn’t a tax levied on them? It’s a goldmine. In 2008, Americans spent over $42 billion on pets, $20 billion of which was for health care including toenail hygiene, shiny-fur shampoo and floss.
Three hundred million Americans own 365 million pets. There are 149 million fish in bowls and over 13 million reptiles slithering around in homes. Pets are important to us, but they can cause marital discord. Take the case of Larry and Laura, and their dogs, Spic and Span respectively (the names have been changed to protect me).
Larry and his dog Spic, and Laura, who loved Span unconditionally, sensed that intimacy with a human being was missing in their lives, so they formed a relationship. As relationships frequently do, theirs developed into, what seemed at the time, like love bordering on the fringe of wild-eyed passion.
However, both were intensely passionate about another species. But you know how love is when it distorts your mind. You’ll climb the highest mountain or swim across a sea of sharks. Heterosexual people can marry, but neutered dogs can’t. The justice of the peace wouldn’t marry them with two dogs serving as witnesses, so they picked up a homeless couple on the street.
It was traumatic leaving Spic and Span at the Four-Star Kennel, but the honeymoon progressed as honeymoons do. At candlelight dinners, Laura would look off into the distant darkness, eyes moist, and then Larry would, too. Was there a continuing void in their lives? Yes, Larry didn’t mind Laura phoning the kennel, but it was irritating when she insisted the receptionist put the phone up to Span’s ear. “Spanny boy, it’s your mother.” It seemed to Larry like it took forever for Span to bark back.
They rushed back to the kennel, joyously slobbering over their respective dogs, and took them to their new apartment where Larry carried Laura, who was carrying Span, over the threshold. Spic obediently followed.
Unfortunately, the two dogs had issues and were incompatible. Although they had a king-size bed, it was disastrous when the four of them turned in. One night, Larry’s dog deliberately wet on Laura. Therapy didn’t work, so Larry and Spic moved into the guest room. Love does not conquer all, especially when a dog is in the mix. The judge asked if they’d sought professional help, and Laura explained that counseling couldn’t help Spic, who was bi-polar. Tragic.
Back on the farm, we had dogs. They hunted varmints, drove in the cows and you could talk to them when alone all day working in a field. The law of the land was, mess with a man’s dog, and it’s a bloody feud. Dogs understand more about humans than humans do. And dogs judge not; they accept you as you are. All they want is a head rub once a day. Rub a head in a relationship, and you’ll be asked, “What did you mean by that?”
There are 14 million more cats than dogs in the USA. Cats are introverted; sip milk with impeccable manners and express emotion with a purr. Dogs are spontaneous, swallow food whole and try to lick your face. Dogs catch, fetch and chase cars; cats occasionally roll a ball of yarn.
Basically, America is divided into either a feline or canine faction. If you’re torn between the two, do the research. Feline scientists have found that a cat’s brain is similar to that of a human in that it is composed of one billion neurons and 10 trillion synapses working together. Of course in the human brain, the neurons and synapses usually work against each other. An animal psychologist discovered that dogs could learn 200 words, which is significantly higher than the vocabulary of an average human, you know.
No matter which side you’re on, do not let an animal come between you and a loved one. I know. My wife insisted we adopt Missy Lou, who, initially, was like a live-in grandchild to her. Well, Missy Lou adopted me as her lord and master, leaving my wife rejected and in despair. Jealously and envy can destroy a marriage as can sleeping with a dog.
