Here’s a unique gift idea for teenagers to give to their parents: A good disagreement!

New research suggests that teenagers who are allowed to disagree with their parents are more likely to resist negative peer pressure and avoid dangerous behaviors such as drug and alcohol use. These agitating adolescents also develop stronger negotiation and conflict management skills while enjoying better mental health as adults.

“The teens who are best able to argue with their parents in reasonable ways are the kids who are best able to resist peer influences,” said Dr. Joe Allen, professor of psychology at the University of Virginia. “That’s not the easiest thing to live with at home, but that’s exactly what we want from our kids when they’re out with their friends on a Friday night.”

Allen said the opposite also is true. “The young people who in a family always say, ‘yes, sir’ or ‘yes ma’am,’ who never are allowed to disagree, those are the teenagers who when a friend says, ‘let’s go out and get drunk tonight’ will resort to some version of ‘yes, sir’ or ‘yes, ma’am’ because they know they don’t get anywhere when they disagree.

“Most parents are sick to death of arguing with their teens, but they’re also sick to death about the effects of peer pressure.”

Allen emphasizes that the disagreements must be constructive. “We’re not saying to kids, go start screaming at your mom, and we’re not saying to moms that that would be OK.” Instead, Allen emphasized, parents should encourage teenagers to calmly articulate and support their viewpoint.

Dr. Walt Mueller of the Center for Parent Youth Understanding agrees. “The biggest complaint we hear from kids is that their parents don’t listen and don’t understand,” Mueller said. “If your kids don’t feel understood, when you speak to them they’re not going to listen to you.”

Mueller says our goal is not to raise children. Our goal is to raise adults. As kids become older, Mueller advises parents to listen first and then ask questions before offering an opinion or response.

“We need to walk alongside and think with them instead of for them,” Mueller said, “working with them toward making healthy choices.”

In addition to resisting negative peer influences, teens who learn to think independently, manage conflict and resolve differences benefit greatly as adults. Allen notes that these skills become invaluable when negotiating with your boss for a raise, managing disagreements with your spouse or bargaining for the best price when buying a car.

Conversely, Allen said, “If you’re going to whine or complain or yell or threaten, and you’re used to that helping you get your way at home, and you use that on the police officer who pulls you over for speeding, the results are not so good.

“It’s a pain for parents,” Allen continued. “But the way for parents to think about it is that arguments are a training ground.”

Two strategies for parents are important. First, parents need to model for children how to disagree. “When you’re talking with your spouse and you’re whining and complaining and nagging, you shouldn’t be too surprised when your young person does the same thing,” Allen said. “We need to be good role models.”

Second, parents must emphasize that teens need to remain calm and support their viewpoint with specifics. “The most effective teens in this regard drive their parents a little bit crazy because they’re really persuasive,” Allen admitted. “The parents think they’re raising a little lawyer. But if the teen has good reasons, go along with them.”

Allen underscores that teens need to remain polite and parents need to retain the final say. Yet Allen also reminds us, “Managing disagreements is the place where human relationships flourish or flounder. If we have a disagreement and we work it out well, that brings us closer to other people.”

As children grow into teenagers, parents strive for the proper balance between adolescent independence and parental control. Exactly where is that balance?

Well-intended parents will disagree over that question, but there is at least one answer on which we all can agree. No one ever said parenting is easy.

— Bill Stanczykiewicz is president & CEO of the Indiana Youth Institute. He can be reached at iyi@iyi.org