By Barbara Bridgwater
Local Columnist
> SOUTHERN INDIANA —
Your conversations with your teen may sound something like this, “You’ve really brought up your grade in science... too bad your English class is bringing down your average.” Or, “I really like your friend Sally, but what in the world do you see in Erica; she’s so gloomy?” Or, “You have such a great sense of style; why are you wearing “THAT?”
Do you see the issue? Were those compliments or criticisms? Compliments help all of us, youth and adults, feel validated, but compliments need to stand on their own to be really effective. Compliments coupled with even a well-intended negative point, sap the power away from the compliment.
Accentuate the positive! Use an admiring remark as a way to encourage young people, not to point out their flaws. The full benefit of positive words sinks in so much better when it’s not dragged down by a criticism. Please note, I’m not suggesting that you never make statements that are less positive, but when suggestions, re-direction or sometimes even consequences are necessary, make it a separate conversation.
Compliments are powerful! They help build numerous assets, including:
7. Community Values Youth - Young person perceives that adults in the community value youth.
15. Positive Peer Influence - Young person’s best friends model responsible behavior.
16. High Expectations - Both parent(s) and teachers encourage the young person to do well.
38. Self-Esteem - Young person reports having a high self-esteem.
… and depending upon the nature of the compliment, you may also reinforce, responsibility, integrity, restraint, achievement motivation and many more assets. Bottom line: your compliments demonstrate to youth that you value who they are and what they do.
If suggestions would be helpful, consider the following:
Recognize and compliment character: When young people demonstrate honesty, kindness, trustworthiness and reliability, acknowledge and thank them.
Compliment obedience and respect: Notice – and compliment – when kids do things right; not just coming down like a ton of bricks when they do something wrong.
Appreciate them for simply being part of the family: Our kids need to understand that they are valued simply because “they are.”
Compliment contributions to the family: Let them know it matters when they clear the table, sweep the floor, feed the dog, pick up their clothes … pitching in is a good part of family life.
Compliment children when they achieve something new AND compliment the effort even when results may not quite be what we hoped for: Well-placed compliment can keep a positive ball rolling.
You can find the positive … opportunities abound. Just be ready to share the positive with the young people in your life.
Some tips are courtesy of All Pro Dad® at www.allprodad.com.
For additional ideas or information, or to share your story or ideas about asset building, contact 812-923-1160 or barbara@youthcount.com and please visit the Youth Count website at www.youthcount.com
