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December 19, 2007

VALVANO: Apologies are not that hard

BY BOB VALVANO

Apologies — what is so hard about them?

Either you get it and you’re sorry, or you don’t. But they don’t come with clauses and conditions.

I had a friend at ESPN who had a sign in her office that said, “Don’t ruin a good apology with an explanation.”

That pretty much sums it up. Either you’re sorry or you aren’t.

Athletes seem the worst at this. Andy Pettitte is the latest example. Named in the Major League Baseball report on steroids and HGH by George Mitchell, his apology was as follows:

“If what I did was an error in judgment on my part, I apologize.”

Amazing how powerful that two-letter word at the beginning is — if.

It changes the whole emotional impact of the statement. Leave it out and compare how much more powerful and sincere this reads:

“What I did was an error in judgment on my part. I apologize.”

Now that’s an apology.

The first one admits to no wrongdoing and almost blames the listener for getting upset.

It is like my two sons. When they get to fighting, as brothers do, eventually the older one will push the right button to really antagonize his younger sibling. The younger will resort to name-calling (which I will temper here for the family newspaper).

He will call his brother “stupid” and I will say, “hey, say you’re sorry to your brother,” and he’ll tell him, “OK, I am sorry. You are stupid.”

Isn’t that a little like the apology above?

Look how many apologies like that we have had in recent months.

So many that the Rev. Keith Menter, a Lutheran pastor, has declared them “non-apologies.” He writes, “I’m interested in apologies because so many high-profile public apologies are ‘non-apologies.’ A non-apology? How about, ‘I apologize if my actions offended you.’”

I am as disgusted with all the performance-enhancing usage in sports as any fan, but I think I would have more respect for a guy who used them if he actually came out and said, “Darn right, I used them. The whole league was using them and I felt I was falling behind everyone else, so I used them, too. I wish we didn’t have to resort to that, but I felt I did.”

At least that is sincere.

Pettitte even gets a little self-righteous in his apology.

He states, “If I have let down people that care about me, I am sorry. But I hope that you will listen to me carefully and understand that two days of perhaps bad judgment should not ruin a lifetime of hard work and dedication. I have tried to do things the right way my entire life, and, again, ask that you put those two days in the proper context.”

Again the “if,” and on top of that he almost feels victimized.

“OK, I used them, but I am not like those other guys who used them.”

It is what I used to call the “yeah, but” syndrome.

“You broke the rules? Yeah but, the other guys broke it worse ... or yeah but I only did it this one time and I had a good reason ... or yeah, but that rule is stupid.”

All of which may be true, but they aren’t apologies and they don’t give you a hall pass if you ignore rules. Nor should they.

It is why the Patriots were fined so seriously by the NFL earlier in the season.

Is the rule that they violated that big a deal in videotaping opponents defensive hand signals?

I don’t think so, but it is a rule, one the league warned them about not breaking, and they did it anyway. File that under the “Yeah, but the rules don’t apply to me” category.

I have never considered myself a hard-line rules and regulations guy. But as the “non-apology apology” permeates down to our youngest of athletes, I think it helps defeat one of the most appealing aspects of sport.

Sports always were, at their highest level, conducted with a it’s-the-same-for-everyone mentality. It was like, here are the rules ... we don’t care if you are rich or poor, black or white, Christian or Jew, American or European, old or young ... everyone plays by the same rules, and may the best man/woman/team win.

There is a charm in that, and a reassurance that at least somewhere in the world, you get what you earn. And you are defined by your actions. That seems to be dwindling.

I have met Andy Pettitte and I like him. He seems like a truly nice human being.

But humans make mistakes and break rules. His absurd apology should remind us how easy it is to offer non-apology apologies and “yeah, but ...” excuses for those mishaps.

We are a forgiving people.

Do we need those kinds of apologies? Do we need those “explanations.” Why can’t we just say “I’m sorry?”

Bob Valvano lives in Sellersburg and can be reached via e-mail at bobvshow@yahoo.com. He is a former college basketball coach and current radio show host on ESPN Radio.

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