FLOYD COUNTY — Beware of other life forms on distant planets. Why would God limit his ongoing creation to one spot in the universe and populate it with simple earthlings? One theory is that He created us in six days, rested on the seventh, looked down upon us and was somewhat disappointed. “Behold, I can do better,” He said and created a culture with a higher IQ on Planet Worth. He saw that it was good and told them to stay put, but they yielded to temptation as we did.

The worthlings were curious and sent scouts in UFOs to check out the cosmic turmoil on Planet Earth. Don’t laugh, many people see flying objects. Officials interrogated one spotter, and asked, “How did you know it was a UFO?” He said, “It had UFO painted on the side.” I’ve seen weird objects hovering over me and maybe you have, too. When Harry, my dear friend went missing, we assumed it was crime, but it wasn’t. Benevolent aliens had abducted him for study and then released him. Harry didn’t drink back then, but we had to put him in rehab.

Earthlings tend to stick their noses into other creature’s business no matter who, when or what. We sent Curiosity, a Jeep-like thing costing $2.5 billion to probe Mars. When it finds a microbe, it will send a signal back. We will then decide what to do next, which has been a problem for us since Adam. We could use the money here to help civilize our own population, or take a 17-month-long journey to go there and develop it. Think big corporations, oil reserves and offshore banks.

Not only are we searching for life up there, we’re digging deeper down here. Somebody spent $10 billion to dig a 17-mile circular tunnel in Europe. Then they inserted a large Hadrian Collider inside it and began whipping zillions of Higgs Bosons [protons] through it to see if a couple of them collide. Meanwhile, up on the surface, human head-on collisions are the norm. It’s as if we’re bombarded by some type of “dark matter.”

Thankfully, physicists are currently searching for clues as to what dark matter is. They’re conducting experiments in a dark, mile-deep hole near Lead, S.D. Why go underground when Washington, D.C. is available, which reminds me of an old saying back on the farm: “He doesn’t know his [censored] from a hole in the ground.”

We’ll search for signs of life anywhere, even remnants of it that may lie dormant in the dead. I know a guy who talks to them, and I have friends dedicated to digitally interacting socially each precious hour of each dull day. The danger is that many individuals are falling into a trance-like coma and slowly spammed to death.

Forty-four years ago, Neil Armstrong walked on the moon, hit a golf ball and returned to earth with little more than a bag of rocks. That was it, and now it’s Mars, a dreary place that previously suffered global warming, but we’re back collecting rocks again. Wouldn’t it be highly intelligent to dwell on touching down in a heavenly sphere? It’s a simple matter of passing judgment, and it doesn’t take seven months to get there. Changing from evil to good can happen in an instant.  

OK, let’s find them. Dedicated people have been listening for radio signals from outer space for years. When we get the first radio signal from an extraterrestrial intelligence being, the International Academy of Astronautics is prepared. They’ve adopted these regulations [not kidding]: 1. The reply should be made by an international body; 2. It should be sent on behalf of all mankind; and 3. The content should reflect a broad consensus. Good luck with that. Imagine reaching consensus on anything such as working together to survive. Here’s an idea to help us pay off China: Assess a visitation tax on all illegal immigrants and alien tourists, and pass a liar tax on politicians.  

In the search for intelligent life, you can say what you want about Planet Earth, but life is never dull here. If bored, you can always lift your eyes from a tiny screen and look for aliens. When real live extra-terrestrial, intelligent invaders arrive, they will be amused, but if staying too long, they will become very confused and realize adopting us is just not worth it. But they’ll know we’ll be there for the big party for the liftoff and the one-hour journey back to Planet Worth.



— Contact Terry Cummins at TLCTLC@AOL.com.