FLOYD COUNTY —
Death and taxes. Benjamin Franklin’s quote often times reminds us that the only certainties in life rests with these two terms. It should come as no surprise then that when we conquer the annual ritual of declaring our income to the government, we also think of the end of that life.
This theory is the only rationale I have for my mother’s imminent yearly discussion of her funeral wishes. I’d much rather do her taxes.
Let me get this out in the open. Discussing death freaks me out, especially when it’s about someone I care about. So when mom begins to launch in on the intricacies of her burial arrangements, I try and change the subject.
I blame those darn preplanning funeral commercials during soap operas. Pretty soon, she’ll be applying for reverse mortgages and trying to run me down on a Hoveround.
Ahh, marketing.
For the past several years, diverting her attention by arguing about her choice of a plot by my stepfather seems to do the trick. Threats abound, including putting a stipulation in the will where I would receive nothing unless this was her final resting place.
Mom becomes so flustered, she doesn’t have a chance to discuss hymns or caskets or the kinds of flowers to top her coffin. She even forgets to tell me where that will and other important papers are safely kept.
I smile, relieved. Mission accomplished for another year.
Mother has a justifiable reason to be weary of her own funeral. Our family tends to grieve poorly. At my grandmother’s viewing, my grandpa declared to the entire congregation about how much he had paid for the affair. I’m certain he had the receipt in his pocket, ready to prove his assertion to the dollar amount.
During the visitation, he was examining granny in her casket, no doubt to see if he was getting what he paid for, when he brushed against her necklace and sent it skating down her dress. Watching your grandfather fish a gold nugget out of your dead grandmother’s top is not something you soon forget.
When grandpa died at the age of 89, mother and my aunt sent his body back home to Harrodsburg, Ky. When the mortician was preparing his body, he heard a crow. The strange thing was that no one else was in the mortuary. Could my grandpa be checking in to see if the funeral home was holding up their end of the bereavement bargain?
Not quite. See, papa was a chicken man. He had shown premium pullets at the fair for years. During the last months of his life, he couldn’t see so well, so Aunt Lucy bought him a watch that sounded at the top of the hour. No one had taken the timepiece off my grandfather that day. A practical jokester till the end, he made sure the rooster that crowed before midnight announced a death that day indeed.
At least chickens know where they roost. My great-aunt passed and was set to be buried to the right of her deceased husband. Problem was that my uncle’s first wife occupied the plot on his left. I guess they had not heard of the “till death do us part” clause in their vows.
In a coup to stop a case of post-mortem polygamy, the family moved the gravesite at the last moment. Now Aunt Mary is safely resting next to her brothers and sisters. No word on how she welcomed the offenders once they, too, entered those pearly gates. Better yet, how’d she greet her husband and his first wife?
Mother should not have that problem. I’ll bury her where she chooses. No addendums to the will are needed. Nothing’s set in stone ... well, except the already engraved tomb marker.
She could still get remarried and end up in a nice plot next to her new man. And this year, I’ve decided to have her write out her burial requests. That way, I won’t have a panic attack while she attempts to tell me her wishes. I do have the right to veto suspect musical choices, like Don Ho or Elvis.
Yes, the only two certainties in life may be death and taxes. But if you want a happy, full existence, dealing with family comes in a close third.
And no matter the conflicts and disagreements, I know in the end that time with our loved ones will be the thing most cherished. Alongside laughter and telling family secrets, of course.
— Amanda Beam is a Floyd County resident and Jeffersonville native. Contact her by email at hoosiermandyblog@gmail.com or visit her blog at HoosierMandy.com.
Opinions
Related Photos
-
Amanda Beam, local columnist
Discussion
BEAM: All in the family
- Opinions
-
-
DODD: An unexpected Angel
- CHEERS AND JEERS — For May 26-27
-
STAWAR: The souvenir state of America
Recently, my wife Diane and I spent the day aboard the Belle of Cincinnati with our daughter’s family. We all had a good time, even though the diesel-powered Cincinnati attraction isn’t a real steamboat, like our own Belle of Louisville, and despite the fact that it poured down rain the whole time.
-
NASH: Making a Memorial vacation
Memorial Day weekend is upon us which brings us to the start of the summer travel season. With the mild winter we had around here most schools didn’t have much in terms of snow make-up days so many kids have already finished up their semesters and are ready to get on with their holiday. Not to worry parents it will only be a couple of weeks before the back-to-school sales kick in and in no time at all it will be time for those youngsters to go back.
-
HARBESON: A handy little idea
After having worked hard the past few months, I now have something new to add to my resume — “I was Lead Project Manager for a major construction venture, supervising every aspect in the creation of a privately funded community building.”
-
MORRIS: Nancy Hogan was more than just an employee
Pulling into The Tribune parking lot each morning was pretty uneventful in the old days. Nothing good happens between 5:30 and 6 a.m. Nothing at all.
-
HAMILTON: Is this really the best we can do?
As you know if you pay attention to national affairs, the United States faces a perfect fiscal storm at the end of this year. A confluence of deadlines and policy triggers unlike anything I can remember in a half-century of public life will produce massive budget cuts and serious tax increases amounting to a 3.5 percent hit on the nation’s Gross Domestic Product.
-
LETTERS: May 23, 2012
— Tea Party leader responds to bridges column
— Bridges need a new approach
— Wives of JPD officers say thanks for service
-
BEAM: Lost memories found
As time elapses, so do our memories. I forget things now. I can’t remember his height. How did he curl his lips into that sardonic, wholehearted smile? I only recall flashes of a moment. Wearing his jacket at prom. His golf clubs in the back of his old, golden car. Notes passed in the hallway. Listening to Boys to Men in his basement.
-
STANCZYKIEWICZ: A gift for mom and dad
Two strategies for parents are important. First, parents need to model for children how to disagree. “When you’re talking with your spouse and you’re whining and complaining and nagging, you shouldn’t be too surprised when your young person does the same thing,” Allen said. “We need to be good role models.”
- More Opinions Headlines
-
