FLOYD COUNTY — As the kids head back to school this week and start to fill out planners, I too decided to set some goals of my own.

Yesterday, I started to eat more vegetables. I began the novel that I’ve always wanted to write. All are boxes on a checklist that will hopefully, when accomplished, lead me to a more fulfilling life.

Today, I just gobbled down a double-decker fast food cheeseburger; my taste buds still throb from its unhealthy goodness. I decided I’d rather watch “True Blood” than finish my first chapter, not to ogle over Alexander Skarsgard but for creative inspiration, of course. And my life goal list now has a strange gooey brown clump around task number nine, which may or may not be chocolate fudge icing.

Obviously, I have about as much determination as a 100-year-old hibernating bear with a thyroid problem. No need for waterboarding to break me. Just place newly baked brownies just out of my reach, and my willpower will crumble faster than the lion’s courage in the “Wizard of Oz.”

OK, so this isn’t the first time I’ve set out to improve myself. I don’t just make resolutions for the New Year. Every wedding anniversary, vacation and birthday, I contrive some new self-improvement manifesto, the kind I imagine Oprah would smile at and nod in approval. And each and every time, I’ve failed to accomplish any of the tasks, the unknown potential of my ambitions hanging over me like Damocles’ sword.

Apparently, I’m not alone. A 2007 University of Bristol study revealed that 88 percent of its 3,000 participants failed to accomplish their New Year’s resolutions. Other research by the Ford Foundation found that just 10 percent of Americans have well-defined goals. And 70 percent of that small percentage only reach their objectives 50 percent of the time.

So, according to statistics, it seems like I have a better chance of scoring a contested goal in an Olympic soccer match than completing anything on this chocolate-smeared list.

Surely there’s a way to conquer these aspirations. Thousands of self-help books have been dedicated to the subject. Didn’t those writers achieve their own goals by penning these mind numbingly boring things?

Maybe they can help with mine.

Here’s the problem. Psychologists and gurus cite tons of different tips on how to achieve your goals.

Some say visualization techniques work, but who wants to imagine eating spinach, especially when it gets in between your teeth. Then, I think about my teeth and how I really need to floss more. But first I need to buy more floss at Target. Oh, and Target has candy bars on sale this week!

Please note in the above example that visualization shouldn’t be tried by people who have ADHD. Meditation, another strategy, doesn’t seem to work either. How one concentrates on their breath is a bigger mystery to me than how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll pop.

Other resources suggest that making clear, defined goals may help you reach your ultimate ambition much easier. Each of these objectives should be accompanied by both a start and completion date.

Like a ladder, you climb up the rungs of achievement one step at a time until you reach the zenith. Of course, they say the first step is the hardest. And, sometimes, we need someone to hold us steady as we climb, which brings me to the next suggested tip.

Those in the know say it’s best to write down all your objectives and share them with friends. Yes, shame makes us work harder toward our goals. If you see me wearing a scarlet Twinkie, you know what has happened with my eat-more-veggies resolution.

In retrospect, what have I learned from reading about how to achieve my goals? Very little. Realistically speaking, if I really want to accomplish something, I do so without thinking about it. Life continues to change and we all continue to grow. Aspirations are always present, even without acknowledging or defining them.

As for my major ambitions, maybe one day I’ll accomplish them. But first, I really need to relish Alexander Skarsgard, savor another cheeseburger and realize that I already live a pretty blessed life.

— Amanda Beam is a Floyd County resident and Jeffersonville native. Contact her by email at hoosiermandyblog@gmail.com or visit her blog at HoosierMandy.com.