By LINDON DODD
Lindon Dodd — “Good afternoon, ladies and gentleman, and welcome to the annual Jeffersonville Christmas Parade on Court Avenue from our viewing stand just across the street from Warder Park. Parking space has been an issue this afternoon since the Clark County Wellness Center seems to having some kind of going-out-of-business pill special this weekend.
Despite being a rainy afternoon, a large and hearty crowd has lined up along the parade route. I am waiting for my co-host to arrive on the platform and I hear some commotion. Yes, I hear the music and the Honorable Jeffersonville Mayor Mike Moore is making his way up the steps. “Hello, Mr. Mayor! What’s with the boom box?”
Mayor Moore — “Lindon, it’s playing my theme song, you know, Hail to the Chief!”
Lindon — “Uh, sir, that’s usually reserved for the President of The United States. Anyway, what’s with the shiny Richard Simmons pants and the tank top?”
Moore — “Sorry, I just came from my Jazzercise class and didn’t have time to change. Before that I was at the gym; lifting weights. Look at those guns. Feel them. “
Lindon — “I really want to feel your, um, guns, sir. I must apologize for not being given the line-up for this year’s floats. I will have to figure them out as they pass by me. Here comes the first one. It looks like the Clark County Commissioners entry. I see outgoing Commissioners Les Young and Ed Meyer. I was just told that John Perkins couldn’t make it because he had an appointment. I know you worked with both of them as a commissioner yourself. I guess you have some mixed feelings about their political defeats?”
Moore — “NA-NA-NA-NA, NA-NA-NA-NA, HEY-HEY-HEY ... GOODBYE.”
Lindon — “Good to see there are no hard feelings, mayor. The next float coming into view is the Greater Clark County Schools board. They are dressed up in their caroling choir robes. Let’s listen in to their version of “Let It Snow, let it snow, let it snow;
“The Jeff High culture was shifting,
With no charges for shoplifting,
He had discipline under control,
Jim must go, Jim must go, Jim must go!
When the GPA was dragging,
He said no more pants a-sagging,
Momentum; it wasn’t slow,
Jim must go, Jim must go, Jim must go!
Moore — “Sounds like the Moron Tabernacle Choir (chuckle, chuckle)! And they got a new superintendent to run things his way. What is his name?”
Lindon — “It’s Dr. Andrew Melin. He claims it was solely him who decided to transfer Jim Sexton from Jeffersonville High School.
Moore — “I know. I hope after a couple of years dealing with our school board they aren’t calling him Dr. Marshmelin, (laughter)!”
Lindon — “That was witty, sir. You really toasted him on that one. I hope you have “Smore” of those one-liners. The Super Majority certainly have exercised their voting power in the last year. Speaking of power, how’s that mayor thing going for you?”
Moore — “It’s like magic. I want something done and I just do it. Hey, I like that. From now on you can call me Magic Mike!”
Lindon — “Mayor, I’m not sure that’s an appropriate nickname, what with the Matthew McConaughey movie and all, er, uh, never mind. Coming into view is a float that looks like a large pair of pants. I can make out the letters, it’s the Deep Pockets Float and it’s co-sponsored by local attorneys Steve Voelker and Larry Wilder. I guess those guys have made a few dollars in the last couple of years with lawsuits against local municipalities. I don’t suspect any, cough, uhhh, demonstration in front of a certain attorney’s office might have come with repercussions.”
Moore — “As mayor, you learn that lawsuits are just part of the business as usual.”
Lindon — “Funny, but I don’t recall any demonstrations outside of Steve Voelker’s office this past year? By the way, what’s that book you brought with you?”
Moore — “I’m glad you asked. You know we have started a new no-kill policy at the J.B. Ogle Animal Shelter and this is a book we have published to raise funds which explains the problem with overpopulation of unwanted cats and dogs and the need for spaying and neutering.”
Lindon — What’s it called?”
Moore — “I came up with the title, “Fifty Shades of Stray!”
Lindon — “That’s very clever and topical, sir. Coming just into view we have a decorated entry resembling an ‘Alice In Wonderland’ theme. It’s the Clark County Tea Party float. And I think I recognize the Mad Hatter. That’s the newly elected county council person, Republican (cough, cough) and Tea Party president Kelly Khuri.”
Moore — “I think I would consider joining the Tea Party under the right conditions.”
Lindon — “I can see where any member of the Democratic Party would agree to that being a possibility for the next election season. I see moving past us is a pretty plain entry. It looks like just am empty, undecorated flatbed trailer being pulled by a truck. I’ve just been handed a note that this was supposed to be the Exit 0 — Salute to the Homeless float. It seems that their decorating materials came up missing right during the Christmas season. Some people never seem to get a break.
“Well, it’s the moment the children have been waiting for as the Santa float is quickly approaching. Those rosy cheeks, that little round body and those eyes — yes, it is, its former Mayor Tom Galligan sitting in the sleigh. And who is that bearded oversized elf beside him? I would have never thought it possible but that’s Mike Hutt throwing candy canes from Santa Galligan to the crowd. They say politics makes strange bedfellows. I wonder if that means we haven’t seen the last of old Tommy G.
“Uh, Mayor, what’s with the skin-tight Spanx pants?”
Moore — “Sorry, Lindon, but I have to rush off to my afternoon Zumba class.”
Lindon — “Oh, well, this is Lindon Dodd along with your mayor, er, ah, ‘Magic Mike’ Moore wishing you and yours a wonderful holiday season. Mayor, can you turn down the volume, hey, wait a minute, I recognize that song. Mayor Moore has the whole crowd dancing along with him to that You Tube hit sensation, ‘Gagnum Style!’”
Moore — (overheard to supporters in the crowd) — “OK, everybody, hands together and feet moving!”
Lindon — “(breathlessly) That’s (panting) all there is from Court Avenue for the 2012 Christmas Parade crew. Here’s from my household to yours wishing everyone a Merry Christmas and the happiest of New Years!”
— Lindon Dodd is a freelance writer who can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org