— For the past 31⁄2 years I’ve been focusing on helping my daughter become many things as she grows up: smart, kind and independent, for example. As she prepares for her first day of ‘school,’ I’m thinking maybe I should have focused more on mommy being independent.

First, let me point out that she’ll only be going to preschool for two-and-a-half hours a day, twice a week — not exactly leaving home for college, or even a six-hour day. But for the first time since she was born, she’ll be completely out of my care. She’ll be on a playground without my watchful eyes. She’ll go potty without me to help button her pants. When a playmate hurts her feelings, I won’t be there to comfort her; I probably won’t even know it happened.

Ava’s life beyond mine is beginning. She couldn’t be more thrilled. I couldn’t be filled with more dread.

Don’t get me wrong  — I’m proud she’s become such a strong, independent little girl. I love that she’s ready to skip off to school, wave good-bye and enjoy her day of learning and socializing without mommy at her side. But it came too soon; I’m not ready yet.

Our plan had been to home school Ava until kindergarten. That plan fell apart for a number of reasons, and when my mother and live-in “nanny” became severely ill, it was clear that we needed another plan. If it hadn’t been for a close friend enrolling her daughter, and Ava’s pal, in a school that’s a half-mile from our home, we probably still wouldn’t have a plan. But she did, so we checked it out.

We loved the curriculum, the hours, the teachers, the location and the price. When the teacher opened the art room during our tour and Ava’s eyes lit up like it was Christmas, I knew we were making the right decision.

I had known all summer the time was coming. I had noticed my toddler transitioning into a little girl bit by bit as the months went by.

Just before her first trip to Disney in the spring, her interest in princesses increased greatly. She began wanting to wear makeup and jewelry, and declared pink was her “most favorite color ever.”

At nap time one day, the toddler that begged me daily to lay down with her, and usually got her wish, told me to leave the room. She wanted to read her book, alone, she said. Not long after, she asked me to give her some “privacy” in the bathroom. Most recently she’s started weighing in on which outfits match best and how she wants her room decorated.

It’s like I went to sleep with a cuddly, chubby baby in my arms and woke up with a diva teenager on my hands. I hear that’s pretty much how it happens too.

For now though, I’ve still got my little girl  — and she’s not so big that she hasn’t asked me almost every day, “You’ll take me to school and come get me, right?” She might be ready for a few hours of freedom, but for now at least, she still wants that apron string leading back to mommy.

That’s comforting, but a full-time bodyguard would make me feel better.



Lisa Hurt Kozarovich is a freelance journalist. She can be reached via e-mail at Lisakozar@hotmail.com.